Sporadically Sandra

This effected my life in so many ways. It screwed up my view of men and relationships. I didn't date again until I was 18 and even then it was a huge and scary step for me. It screwed up friendships. It screwed me up. It still screws me up at times. I can't stand his name, the school he went to or the fraternity he was a part of because it all puts me back at that time.

But, I learned so much and I truly believe this helped me become a better person. Even though I won't ever forget, I learned to forgive him. I pray that one day he realizes how much what he did really hurt and violated me, but I know I'm not his only victim and I know he hasn't learned.

I, however, learned a lot. I learned that I am a strong person. I'm compassionate. I'm a forgiver. I learned how I channel pain which taught me that I can actually write creatively (which might be my favorite part of all)

What's amazing though, is how much I learned while writing this. Writing out everything was so therapeutic. For the first time, Joseph learned everything I had gone through. Putting myself out there that much, sharing one of the most painful parts of my life, was scary but it was amazing. I know that I got a couple of comments about how it may not nice to put this or that out there, but none of this was meant to be a personal attack on anyone, whether it be A or a bad friend or anyone else, it was simply to write my story- to get it out there.

What I went through sucked and it was traumatizing. But, it doesn't define who I am, or my attitude towards people. I'm a better person because of what I've been through.

Disclaimer: There is honestly no way for me to write this well enough. I cannot stress enough that I can't go into depth and explain how truly horrible this experience was for me (and how it continues to haunt me) but I've done the best I can.

Part 3: The Trouble Begins


For whatever reason, we didn’t have the most amicable split. I can’t remember if I goaded him, or if he would goad me (probably both), but we would just argue. He was still living at our house as my parent’s didn’t want to make him homeless (you know, on the weekends) but I know we would argue. And he would get violent. He punched walls on more than one occasion, right by my head as if to warn me how easily it could have been me. He threw a helmet at me, that would have hit me if I had not turned to go into my room. There was one time he tried to force himself into my room, I can’t remember why and I kicked him as hard as I could before slamming the door and locking it. I don’t know if I told my parent’s this, I can’t remember. It was a pretty sucky time for our family, my sister was having issues of her own and I’ve always been pretty self sufficient.

I had multiple email and messaging accounts, at least one Aim, one Yahoo and one MSN. You would have to know me to know that I had numerous accounts and to know what they were. My best friend at the time had moved to TN and she had a yahoo, most of my other friends had AIM and then I personally had MSN because of hotmail. I was logged into all three of them one day when one by one I was logged out.

I was confused and so I proceeded to login in again only to be logged out. This went on a couple more times before I was told my passwords were invalid. I knew that “A” was going to school for something related to computers and I instantly suspected him of doing it. A couple hours later, I was able to log back into my Yahoo and I received a message from a stranger letting me know he would let me back into my email and that he hoped I could read Dutch. The thing is, it was obvious that this wasn't a stranger who happened to figure out I had mulitple accounts on multiple platforms.
Weird things like that kept happening. But, it isn’t like I had any real information, or knowledge. I just knew that someone was accessing my email, my files, my computer. I had no proof but even at 15, I had women’s intuition. But to other people, I was just a bitter ex.

When I was younger, I was stalked online by an ex boyfriend. This is my story as best as I can write it, yet it feels so inadequate
The Story of “A”
Part 2: Breaking Up is Hard to Do


Over the course of our relationship we broke up twice. I can remember the first time we broke up. I felt underappreciated and like a second thought. It seemed he was more content to spend time with my father (making up time for his sucky one, I always assumed) or with his stupid frat (I still hold a grudge against fraternities).

I was tired of only getting any sort of attention when it was late and no one else was around. I was tired of being overlooked and then I found out that while he had no money to take me out, he had plenty for strippers… Even at 15 I knew that was a load of BS. So, I gave him a choice and he chose to break up with me and I don’t even think I cried, I simply coped. I was past it, whatever.

It went that way for a couple weeks. He was still coming “home” to our house on the weekends, so I kept to my room or stayed around my friends, avoiding any sort of drama. I can’t remember why we started dating again and the really funny thing is I can’t remember why we broke up but I do remember it was his decision. Again I didn’t cry (Did I really need anymore signs that this relationship wasn’t for me?)

The only reason I even know it was his idea to break up is because when my mother told me it was rude about dating another guy in front of him, I pointed out that “He broke up with me, what does he care?” She didn’t have much to say to that, so I started hanging out with a friend and her boyfriend because he had hot friends. Only to quickly learn how much he apparently cared.

When I was younger, I was stalked online by an ex boyfriend. This is my story as best as I can write it, yet it feels so inadequate


The Story of “A”

Part 1: Happier Times

So, I alluded before about a particularly horrible experience with a bad boy friend.

When I was fourteen, I joined a homeschool group for high-schoolers. It was a place to make friends, participate in classes and get the all around teenage experience. It was a Christian home school group that met in a church and offered various high school classes.

Looking back, I can tell you that I used to find “A” cute. I don’t anymore, and whether it’s because of the experience or because I now go for tall blonde hair blue eyed all American boys, I couldn’t tell you. But, I had that typical teenage girl crush for the entire school year.

I had assumed that after that year, I probably wouldn’t see him again, he was a senior and I was a freshman, after all. However, my sister and her friend became friends with him and his brother, to the point where, once summer rolled around we all hung out.

It was that summer when they moved into their sister’s trailer and we learned about their very troubling family life (abuse). My parents and our friend’s parents are the kind of people who give of themselves when someone is in trouble. I can’t quite remember how it came about, but “A” moved in with us and his brother moved into our friend’s house for the summer until they moved into the college dorms.

It was that summer, after I turned 15 that I experienced my first kiss, first date and first boyfriend. When you’re fifteen and happy to finally have a boyfriend, you ignore a lot of red flags. Like the fact that the words “I love you” were said way too quickly. But, I was young and stupid and finally happy to join the ranks of the “taken”. But I don't think there is anything I could have done to change what happened next.