Sporadically Sandra

Here is a quick How To on figuring out if you should take your under 10 year old child to a movie.

1. If the movie starts AFTER their typical bed time, don't bring them.
2. If the movie is rated PG-13 and they are half the size of a 13 year old, don't bring them.
3. If it is OPENING weekend of a Highly Anticipated Series Finale Movie, don't bring them.

Because if you do, I will do at least one if not all of the following.

1. Kick the back of their chair as hard as possible when they don't push the seat down and instead sit on the propped up edge, therefore blocking half the screen with their stupid head in STADIUM seating.
2. Sigh loudly as they constantly whine about being thirsty, hungry, bored, etc.
3. Ask very loudly, "Seriously" when your child starts stomping and running up and down the aisle during a pivotal moment of the movie.
4. Wonder aloud what kind of stupid people would bring a kid to a movie out past their bed time, loudly enough to make sure I'm heard.
5. Make sure all other patrons share my thoughts as many glares are sent your way.
6. Complain to the ushers and make sure you are removed so that I can enjoy the movie without brattiness.

Don't be those inconsiderate, stupid parents because I will call you on it.

(Oh, and for the record; this does not apply to kids movies, matinees, or very brief acting up.)

I'm almost sure I can make Going to the Movies Whenever I Please without inconveniencing other people, Reason #4 I'm not ready to have children.

So imagine, you have a five or six year old who plays a sport. Just pick a sport, it doesn't matter which; football, baseball, basketball, wrestling swimming. The important thing to remember is that it is for five and six year olds. As in, really small, young children doing a sport.

Now, picture it, the sidelines full of parents; yelling and screaming, cheering, red faces, furrowed brows. The ref misses a call, doesn't see a penalty, or even worse, calls a penalty on your kid. Who does that man think he is? Stupid guy in a stupid striped shirt, he is unacceptable. Why is he picking on my kid? I must now scream at him.

Reason #3 I am Not Ready for Children: I'm just not competitive enough

Because lets face it, whether you are killing other teenagers so your daughter can be on the cheer leading team, or you're angry because your kid doesn't get to be first string quarterback, parents are crazy. I mean, all women are filled with crazy and I do not want to use my little bit of crazy on sporting events, especially ones for kids who can barely read.

I mean, seriously, don't be ridiculous. Between parents yelling at their kids for not being good enough and the coaches for simultaneously pushing their kid too hard and not coaching them enough and then screaming at the refs because they don't agree with the calls. I just refuse to be that crazy in public, I save it only for crappy drivers who get in my lane.

*Disclaimer* For any of my friends with children, I understand that you are not *this* type of parent, but it is a ridiculous topic that must be covered. Because, let's all admit it, you HAVE seen this parent before.

(Ignore the ugly curtain and atrocious wall color. Hopefully all that will be changed soon!)

This bed is where I spend a LOT of my time. I love sleep. I adore. If I do not get enough sleep I get cranky, hungry and actually physically sick. In college, I would rather not do so well in school then pull an all nighter. I only did the crazy drunk thing a couple times because I would rather get a full night sleep.


Reason #2 I am not Ready for Children: I just love my sleep far too much to give it up.

Do you know what new mom's never, ever, ever get? Sleep! I mean, sure you can sleep when the baby is sleeping. But, well, when the baby is awake it is all about feeding and changing the little tyke. So when the baby is sleeping that's when you get to eat, shower, and run errands. Who has time to sleep when you still have a life to lead?

And working mom's, how do they do it? I mean, just because your 6 weeks are up and you need to go back to work doesn't mean your new baby cares. So you still get to wake up during various hours of the night but now you don't have any napping potential.

Until I am ready to give up some of my much beloved sleep, I probably shouldn't procreate. I mean, Joseph can't breast feed, even if he does have nipples!

Picture it: Atlanta, 2010. A young adult married woman has spent most of the morning awake; coughing, sneezing and painfully swallowing. She has called into work, bid her husband adieu as he goes off to work and snuggled under her slanket as Bones plays on her tv. She is sick and ill. What does she do? She texts her mommy, "If you have free time and are feeling generous, you should make me chicken soup, I feel horrible. :-/"

Imagine that young adult married woman's surprise when her mother calls her up two hours later to inquire if she needs her mommy to pick her up medicine on her way to bring her a huge freaking pot of chicken soup. This is the same magic chicken soup that all mother's know how to make for their sick children. Sometimes it involves rice, sometimes it involves noodles but it always involves the healing power of a mother's love.

Reason #1 I'm Not Ready for Children: I do not know how to make chicken soup.

I cannot even begin to debate having children if I can't properly bring them back from sickness with a bowl of warm, delicious, loving chicken soup. It is a mom law that you must have that special recipe committed to memory and have all ingredients on hand to cook up as needed. I never have carrots or celery in my refrigerator unless I specifically plan to make soup and it is always from a recipe.

How could I consider bringing a child into this crazy world when I am too inept to create a wonderful pot of chicken soup?

Oh, and it helped this girl get better from a horrific sinus infection.

When I got married, March 21, 2009, it seemed everyone was chomping at the bit to let me know that I was either too young, or a wedding was a ridiculous waste of money. I don't understand what it is about forming a new union that give people the feeling that all of a sudden they can just butt in and offer their advice or flat out tell you that you are wrong.

Since then, I now get asked when I am going to have children and more often then not I am told "Oh, you're waiting? That's good, you are too young."

Age really has nothing to do with it and doesn't effect my decision. I don't think I am "too young" to have children, but  I can tell you I am not ready to and don't yet want to. I haven't learned enough of those important things that moms just seem to know naturally. So, look forward to a new blog series called, "Reasons I'm Not Ready For Children", because it is going to be fun.