Life Recap

Posted on 7:30 PM
Today was my return to work after having Thursday- Monday off. I love my job and my boss, but man, sitting around doing nothing for five days was great.

I kicked Katie's butt back to the gym where we did this workout, with the exception of skipping tucks because I have no clue what those are. Anyone care to explain?

Joseph has been sick since Christmas. Low grade fever, general tired and achieness. Not too whiny considering he is a man, but it's hard to whine when you just keep sleeping.

Christmas was great. I got some new kitchen knives, a pandora bracelet, owl pajamas, an owl mug and a firepit, to go over the highlights. Mostly, I enjoyed all the time with family and all the great food we had. Which is why now I really need to return to working out. I also need to purge all the sweets from my life. It's ridiculous how much we have right now.

It's a Christmas Miracle

Posted on 7:51 PM In:
So, after the very emotional week I had, I was ready for some fun.

My department and the admin department at work went bowling together. Last year, accounting had kept it to just us, but hey, we're a friendly bunch. So, my boss and I, all week, debated on who was the worst bowler. I typically average in the mid 60's with a few gutter balls thrown in. It's okay, I've learned to embrace my SUCKTASTIC bowling skills.

I mean, playing Golf Bowling, lowest score wins, is what I'm great at.

So I get there a little early with my boss and my coworker and we get some drinks (Skinny Raspberry Lemonade (or maybe it was blackberry)) while we wait for everyone to show up. I'm stuck on a team with one of the better bowlers in our department, but what do I care, I'm going for lowest score.

The bowling begins. I hit a spare, then a strike and I continue to actually MISS the gutters.

Then, the most magical, amazing and miraculous moment of all... in the tenth frame I hit 3 strikes in a row. Otherwise known as a TURKEY.

I scored 118 in all.

I beat the good bowler on our team by six (and don't think I'm going to let him forget that!)

I scored over 100 the first time ever.

AND because of it, Joseph now has to buy me bowling shoes.

That's all I need to be a happier girl.

This Week Bites

Posted on 12:45 PM
This week has been stressful and emotional. It's been really hard. Joe's uncle passed away early this morning after a week of uncertainty and stress. My heart hurts for his family and their loss. Although his uncle is now in a much better place and has gone to be with the Lord, it still hurts.

Since I've been an adult and truly understand the concept of life and death, I haven't been in the position to wait out someone's last hours and it is hard. Even though I didn't really know his uncle (he has a HUGE family) it has effected me. I know his cousins and their kids and to see them hurt, it's painful.

Give your loved ones an extra hug today, call up your family you haven't spoken to in a while. Life is fleeting.

And please, just keep Joe's family in your thoughts and prayers.

My Thoughts On Thinspiration

Posted on 7:59 PM
So, because I am on Pinterest, ALL THE TIME, I run across a lot of boards with the name "Thinspiration" and I have to say it irks me.

It irks me because, well, it isn't usually healthy or beneficial. It's filled with pictures of girls who have been SO photoshopped that they look unnatural and isn't realistic.

It irks me because it takes away any sort of health aspect of losing weight and just makes it about a clothing size and a number on the scale.

Being thin does not equal being healthy or beautiful and "Thinspiration" is usually proof of exactly that.

Don't get me wrong, you can be thin, healthy and beautiful. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be thin or working hard for it, but you shouldn't lose sight of the importance of health just for looks. And focusing on pictures of half naked ladies so thin you can see all their bones, or pictures accompanied by tips such as "eat ice to trick your body into not being hungry when living off 400 calories a day".

These are some of my favorite pins that not only relate to losing weight, but do so in a healthy and fulfilling manner, which can be found on my "Motivation" board

I'm Alive! and some Christmas Love

Posted on 4:37 PM
So, I took a bit of a break from the blog. The biggest reason was November is NANOWRIMO! It's one of my favorite times of the year. Nanowrimo stands for National Novel Writing Month and the goal is to write a 50,000 word novel in one month. I've participated 3 years in a row and accomplished my goal.

I love the challenge but by the time I'm done writing, I hate writing so much I have to take a break. So, even though I finished on the 18th or so (new record even for me), I wasn't ready to write yet. But, now we are in my favorite season, Christmas season.

Christmas is my favorite holiday and surprisingly or not, has nothing to do with presents. Although I do love them. As a child, Christmas would always mean going to my grandparents' (mom's side) where grandpa would have set up the fake fire place. We all have handmade stockings, courtesy of my grandmother, and a little drummer boy mechanic set. We would make Xmas cookies and go to bed early so that we could wake up early. My family takes stocking stuffers to a whole new level with a grocery bag full of stocking stuffers as well as the stockings. Breakfast is always pastries and egg strada and dinner was always standing rib roast, yorkshire puddings, twice baked potatoes and broccoli or asparagus with holindaise sauce, delish! I adore this season.

Although those grandparents have passed on, my love for Christmas and tradition remain the same. I've made stockings for my husband, nephew and sister's boyfriend so that they all match. We still have the same dinner and breakfast, still have ridiculous stocking stuffers and still have a great time together as a family. Now that I'm married, I've gotten to add on to those traditions with more family. Typically we get together on Christmas eve with Joe's mom and that side of his family and sporadically through the month we will visit his dad. Since I actually LIKE my in laws (lucky girl, woot), it really only enhances my awesome Christmas because I love getting to spend time with the family I love.

And Christmas lights only make it all better.

Things I'm Loving Right Now

Posted on 8:10 PM In:
1. My 3.5 cup water bottle - if I don't drink 2 of those before I leave work, I'm not drinking enough water. Plus, who doesn't love taking a break from work to PEE?

2. My new work BFF KayShay - She is my fashion guru (partly because my girl Karley is in FL, miss you) and my work out partner. I've gotten many compliments since putting more work into my clothes.

3. Pinterest - holy CRAP, why did it take me so long to get into it? So many things to do, make, eat, see, think and all of it in a pretty virtual vision board. All the fun and none of the work of a real vision board.

4. Pumpkin - is there anything pumpkin ISN'T good in? Pancakes, muffins, butter.... casserole, soup, stew. <3 it and soon I'll be carving one!

5. Fall weather - cooler days, cooler nights, scarves, jackets, leaves turning orange and yellow and red.

6. Yoforia - 25 calories an ounce? Um, I believe that is what love is.

What are currently your favorite things?

Cooking Marathon

Posted on 7:37 PM In: , ,
Joseph had to work on Saturday, so I decided to be a productive wife and spend my Saturday cooking up some meals to freeze for the future. It cost about $75.00 and took about 4 hours of my life, but I came away with quite a few meals.

 (I have no clue why the picture is upside down..??)

Anyways, Pictured is the following:

21 Pumpkin Muffins
A LOT of Pumpkin Pancakes (Forgot to count)
8 Servings Vegetable Chowder
4 Servings Tomato Soup
3 meals Spaghetti Sauce
10 Servings Chicken Taco Chili
6 Servings Chicken Tortilla Stew
8 Servings Mac and Cheese
4 Servings Chicken Stuffing Bake
12 Servings Pumpkin Beef Pasta
and 1 Sausage Hashbrown Casserole

All in all, a Saturday morning WIN! Especially when we got home tonight after HORRIBLE traffic and rainy weather and all I had to do was reheat some chicken taco chili and some rice for a delicious and quick dinner!

September Goals Wrap Up and October Goals

Posted on 11:12 AM In: , ,
September Goals:

Run/Walk/Jog 20 Miles - I'm pretty sure I didn't finish this. I actually took a couple of weeks off and then I focused on running for longer periods of time as opposed getting in lots of mileage. I have, however, picked C25K back up and am on Week 6, Day 3. I've run for 20 minutes straight this month which is a HUGE accomplishment in and of itself!

Finish Reading my Self-Improvement Book - Well, I didn't finish the one I had been trying to read but I did read a different self improvement book. I started and completed New Rules of Lifting for Women, so I consider this goal met.

Figure out a Solid Strength Training Routine- I've completed the first day of NROLFW and I'm super excited to do day 2. I will be continuing forward with this program because it is something I honestly believe I can stick to and complete.

October Goals:

Participate in a 5K - I'm looking to complete one with at the end of August. I don't care if I run the whole thing or walk the whole thing, I just want to start participating in races.

Set and Follow a Workout Schedule - If I continue working on C25K and NROLFW, I need to get 3 workouts of each a month. I'm great at exercising M-TH, but that is not enough. I may cut down on the workouts if it proves to be too much, but I need a solid schedule either way.

Pay off Furniture - Right now, according to our budget, we will pay off our furniture midway through October. I can't wait until it does get paid off!

Love & Hate

Posted on 6:32 PM In:

It’s no secret that I’ve only dated two guys in my life. Additionally, my experiences with them were so vast and different that I came away with two separate lessons from each.

When I broke up with A and I went through what I went through, he did a really thorough job of teaching me everything I needed to know about hate.

Hate is this all encompassing feeling that brings a person down.

It has the power to control your mood, to ruin your days.

It’s like the dark storm cloud the covers the sun.

It keeps you miserable and it gives far too much power to the person you feel hate towards.

Hate also makes you feel righteous and strong, but it’s not real. It gives you the belief that it’s okay to feel this way because you were wronged because that makes it easier for it to feed on your soul.

Love is something different all together and Joe taught me everything I needed to know.

Love is all encompassing and it lifts you up.

It brightens your world and your view.

Love pushes you to be more of a person then you thought you could be.

It caresses, it holds, it comforts.

Love doesn’t tear down, it doesn’t break you, it doesn’t take delight in your miseries.

It’s liberating.

Love is forgiving those who wrong you. Its wanting the best for someone. Its showing kindness to a stranger. Love is empathetic, love is sympathetic.

Love makes you invincible, it takes away your fear, it gives you the power you need to overcome.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
            1 Corinthian 13:4-7,13

Buffalo Chicken Cupcakes

Posted on 7:35 PM In:
Inspired by the love of all thing cupcakes (hello easy serving size) and my love of fatty buffalo wings, I wanted to come up with a nice swap for football Sunday! These did not just pass my taste test, but my husband's, sister in law's and brother in law's.

24 Won Ton Wrappers
Hot Sauce to taste
Ranch to taste
3/4 lb shredded chicken
3 Garlic & Herb Laughing Cow Cheese Wedges
3/4 cup Shredded Cheddar Cheese

Pre-heat oven to 375.

Mix ranch and hot sauce with chicken until satisfied with creamy/hot taste.

Spray a 12 cup Muffin tin with non-stick cooking spray. Press a won ton wrapper into each cup. Divide 1.5 laughing cow wedges among the cups and top with half the shredded chicken.
Add another won ton wrapper in each cup, pressing down firmly. Add a dab of ranch and the remainder of the laughing cow cheese and shredded chicken. Top with cheddar cheese.

Bake for 15 minutes or until cheese is melted and won ton wrappers are browned.

True Life: I Was Stalked Part Six

Posted on 7:14 PM In:

Part 6: The Conclusion/The End

This effected my life in so many ways. It screwed up my view of men and relationships. I didn't date again until I was 18 and even then it was a huge and scary step for me. It screwed up friendships. It screwed me up. It still screws me up at times. I can't stand his name, the school he went to or the fraternity he was a part of because it all puts me back at that time.

But, I learned so much and I truly believe this helped me become a better person. Even though I won't ever forget, I learned to forgive him. I pray that one day he realizes how much what he did really hurt and violated me, but I know I'm not his only victim and I know he hasn't learned.

I, however, learned a lot. I learned that I am a strong person. I'm compassionate. I'm a forgiver. I learned how I channel pain which taught me that I can actually write creatively (which might be my favorite part of all)

What's amazing though, is how much I learned while writing this. Writing out everything was so therapeutic. For the first time, Joseph learned everything I had gone through. Putting myself out there that much, sharing one of the most painful parts of my life, was scary but it was amazing. I know that I got a couple of comments about how it may not nice to put this or that out there, but none of this was meant to be a personal attack on anyone, whether it be A or a bad friend or anyone else, it was simply to write my story- to get it out there.

What I went through sucked and it was traumatizing. But, it doesn't define who I am, or my attitude towards people. I'm a better person because of what I've been through.

True Life: I Was Stalked Part 5

Posted on 5:08 PM In: , ,

Part 5: I Thought We Were Friends

I wish I could say that my friends all had my back during that time. I wish I could say they even pretended to have my back. But, that was a pivotal time when I learned who were really my friends and who were not. I don't hold grudges against those friends that I think severely dropped the ball, but at that same time, there is never any fixing a betrayal that runs so deep.

The same day that I basically broke down at work and insisted they get him out of my house, was the same day one of my best “friends” lectured me about what an awful person I was for getting him kicked out of my house. Turns out they had a date coming up and because we were "friends" I should support her. Among lecturing me about how I was a horrible person, she also pointed out that "friendship is a double edged sword" and we should support one another. She was too wrapped up in herself to see that dating the guy who had been tormenting me for months, almost a year, was not support.

I had another “friend” completely stab me in the back over him for a free trip to FL. He was going to visit his sister, and she wanted to go get a tan. That one I guess I should have seen coming, but I didn’t. This was a valuable lesson in friendship and I learned that I won’t miss friends who could care so little about my hurt.

But, I also had two amazing friends, my sister and Sarah. My sister, Elizabeth, like I mentioned previously, was going through her own stuff. And I’m not going to lie, she had every right to be wrapped up in herself and what she was going through. She missed a lot of what was going on, but she stood by me. She didn’t stay partially friends with him. In fact, she told me to tell her if he ever messed with me again because she would handle it.

And Sarah, well she just stood by me, no questions asked, no doubts that I was telling the truth or that I was hurting or that what he did affected me. Never once did I have to wonder about her loyalty to me or our friendship. She was and still is one of my favorite people I’ve had the pleasure to know, it’s why we are besties.

Happy 100th Post

Posted on 7:50 PM In: , ,
So, I've blogged my way to 100 posts. What have I learned?

1. I am so much more than a number
2. I love running although I never imagined I could excel at it
3. It's okay to not be passionate about your job, as long as you make time for what you are passionate about
4. Eating correctly fixes more than just your waistline
5. I am beautiful, inside and out

One of the biggest things I've overcome though, is being shy about my writing. I post each link to a new blog post on my facebook, forcing me outside of my own comfort shell. The compliments and kind words I've received from this have been amazing. Some people I hadn't spoken to in years have contacted me because something I've said mattered to them. I was so self conscious about my own writing, that I could have never imagined that someone could read what I wrote and take something away from it.

I've learned so much since I started to really blog. I've learned about myself, my feelings and how other people see me. I've learned that I do have something to say and people do care. I've learned that as hard as it can be, I really enjoy working to better myself and I hope that doesn't change any time soon.

So, here's to another 100 posts where I will wrap up my stalking series, cover a couple of fall crafts I've completed, and get to wax on about my love of the holidays.

10 Days of You Challenge - 8 Fears

Posted on 7:16 PM In:
1. Losing someone I'm close too - I think this one is pretty self explanatory. My worst fear is losing someone I'm close too without warning or before I'm ready. However, it's a part of life and I know I can't avoid it always.

2. Spiders - 8 legged little devils

3. Flying - like in a plane. If I could flap my arms and fly, I'd be okay with that

4. Tornadoes - I've never been in one but the thought scares the bejeesus out of me. You better believe when those warning sirens go off, my stomach drops.

5. Looking foolish in front of people - I have this tendency to replay "embarrassing" moments in my head on a constant torment wheel of memories, things no one else would even remember. It can be almost paralyzing, but I'm working on it.

6. Growing Old without Purpose- I don't ever want to look back on my life and feel I've wasted it. I work hard to grow and become a better person. I want to touch people's lives. I want to enjoy my life. I want to live a fulfilled life.

7. Losing my Engagement/Wedding Band (Other valuable jewelry) - There was one day recently where I went to get my rings out of the jewelry box and they weren't there. I instantly went into panic mode as I tried to figure out where they would be. Turns out, Joe had put them on the keyring to remember to bring them to me the day before because I had forgotten to wear them. He is sweet, even if it is his fault it scared the crap out of me.

8. Being alone at night - I'm a big girl, so I don't like the fear control me. But, man oh man, I don't dig being home alone at night. You better believe that every thing that goes bump in the night is an intruder trying to kill me and I can visualize it, oh so well.

September Goals

Posted on 9:25 AM In:
I'm a bit late on these, but the start of September was hectic and then I just got lazy.

1. Run/Walk/Jog 20 miles - I completed this in August so I would like to try and accomplish it again in September. As a sort of side goal, I would also like to dedicate at least two running days to going 3.1 miles (aka a 5K)

2. Finish reading my self-improvement book - I figure I should be able to at least FINISH the book this month since it has already been started.

3. Figure out a solid strength training routine for me. I've got Cardio down pat, but when it comes to weights and strength, I don't have a clue. I'm going to enlist Joseph's help for this and I'm going to try to implement it a couple of days a week.

That's it, three goals. I know I'll be able to accomplish them as long as I don't forget about them or get distracted.

August Goals - How Did I Do?

Posted on 6:29 PM In:
Hit all my GHG's most of the time - Well, I did hit all my GHG's most of the time, but i don't really feel I did very well anyways.

Read 1 Self-Improvement Book - Not yet completed. I got sucked into too many other things, like the Hunger Games Trilogy. I started but got distracted. I'll probably keep this one for September!

Run/Walk/Jog 20 Miles - Done! I finished it up today with 2.5 miles on the treadmill for a total of 20.04 miles. I'm very proud of this.

Stick to my Budget - Ehh.

Tune in tomorrow for my September goals!

10 Days of You Challenge - 9 Loves

Posted on 7:24 PM In: , ,
1. Joseph - my husband, my best friend, my favorite person. He truly takes care of me and treats me like his love. I could go on and on, but I'm going to keep it short.

2. My family - This consists of my mom, dad, sister, nephew, aunt, uncle, cousin and grandma. I adore my family. I love seeing them and spending time with them. They are all awesome and amazing people.

3. My In Laws - I have to say, I am a lucky, lucky girl. I love Joseph's family. I always know that when I see them, I'm going to have a great time. I was very blessed with the in-laws I got, especially since I've read a lot of bad in law stories!

4. My friends - I don't have a lot of close friends, but the ones I have, I know I could trust without a doubt. I'm very friendly, but not every one gets to know the real me. For those that do, they are stuck with me for quite a while.

5. Music - I love music. I think my love of it first started when I took guitar. My guitar teacher was like seven years older then me (?) and had great taste in non "old people" music. He introduced me into some of my favorite bands, which only led me to discovering more bands. Music is so inspiring to me in so many ways.

6. Writing - I love creative writing, I love blogging, I love just documenting my life. My dream job would be to get paid to write stories that other people read. Stories that move people, make them feel or inspire them.

7. Reading - You can't really love writing if you don't love reading and I've loved reading since I learned how. I won two different reading contests when I was younger (and made some money!) because I couldn't keep my nose out of a book. Even now, that can be quite a difficult feat!

8. Cooking - I love cooking. I love creating a new recipe or dish. I love feeding people. I love to eat, which probably is a big reason why I love to cook. If I were more creative, I would probably want to go to culinary school, but most of my creativity is funneled into writing not cooking. And, alas, I can't conquer making Lasagna

9. God - I love God although there are (a lot of) times that I do a horrible time of showing it. I have lots of questions and things I don't understand but I've never questioned my belief in or love of God.

Caprese Egg in a Hole

Posted on 12:15 PM In:
I'm sure I'm not the only kid who grew up eating egg in a hole. It's a quick and easy way to make a delicious breakfast and as a kid, it was so much fun to help. I got to carefully cut a hole in a piece of bread and mom would do all the other work.

Well, I'm no longer a kid but I can still enjoy egg in a hole, especially if I give it a fun twist to make it a little more sophisticated. A recipe isn't really required, but it was so simply genius, I had to share anyways.

Tomato - finely chopped
Mozzarella Cheese - finely grated
Parmesan Cheese - finely grated
Fresh Basil - finely chopped
Salt & Pepper - to taste

Mix the shredded cheeses with the fresh basil.

Using a glass, cut a hole in your piece of bread, discard or eat the middle.

Melt butter in a frying pan over medium heat and add the bread. Crack an egg into the hole, and if you want, break the yolk. Salt & pepper to taste.

Once egg is set on one side, flip over bread. Sprinkle cheese mixture over bread. Once cheese is melted and egg is set on other side, remove from pan and place on plate. Sprinkle tomatoes on top.

Eat & enjoy. Simple yet delicious!

10 Days of You Challenge

Posted on 11:08 AM In: , , ,
I'm stealing this idea off of Megan's blog, who stole it from someone else. But, it is such a great idea and I'm excited about it. She plans to do it as a weekly challenge, I plan to update it as I feel like it.

I'm going to go ahead and start today with Ten Secrets

1. I learned I was a good writer because of fan fiction. Some how I started reading Degrassi: The Next Generation fan fiction and thought, "This sucks, I can do way better." But, I didn't actually start writing it until I got into Harry Potter fan fiction (Draco/Ginny all the way).

2. Although, I'm not always the best at losing weight and living healthy, I want to one day figure out how to help other people become healthier. I love how I feel when I'm eating right and exercising consistently and I know others could benefit from my first hand knowledge.

3. Even though I used to live alone in an apartment, I am terrified of spending the night alone. On the rare times when Joe is out of town, I will go to my mommy and daddy's house and slumber there. (Except when they all abandon me on the same weekend!)

4. I could watch Psych over and over again. I've seen all the episodes on Netflix, numerous times and watching another one right now. I think partially, it's because Spencer reminds me of my husband and also because the show is funny, no matter how many times you watch it.

5. I'm ridiculously bad at making friends. I'm scared of putting myself out there to people and being let down, but once I make really good friends with someone, they typically stay that way.

6. I always have a story plot in the back of my mind, whether it is something I'm working on or something I have yet to work on. Because so many different plots circle around, I often have a hard time finishing a story because I get excited about the next.

7. I have two birthmarks, neither of which people typically see. One is on my butt, which leads people to think I've sat in something when in a bathing suit (which is why know I only wear skirt or short bottoms) and other is in my eye. It makes me wonder if people are bad at making eye contact or just oblivious.

8. One of my favorite compliments of all time was that I was so good at dancing I could be a black girl. I thought the delivery was funny because it was a black guy who told me and he started it with "Don't be offended." It would be pretty rude of me to be offended by that. I took it as the awesome compliment that it was.

9. If I were at a healthy weight, I would be trying to have a baby right now. But, I want to truly live a healthier life before bringing a child into this world because I want my future kids to grow up with a healthy view of food.

10. I have a twitter. I finally caved. My nearest and dearest know my feelings on twitter which makes that even harder to admit. You can follow me @sbragg87. Although, I have 0 tweets, nor do I know how to use it. Twitter 101, anyone?

True Life: I Was Stalked Part 4

Posted on 9:16 PM In:

Part 4: The Proof

I went on a mission trip for a week to Florida. When I got back, “A” fessed up to not only invading my privacy in an online fashion, but to breaking into my room and going through my stuff. Because he confessed, my parent’s didn’t want to kick him out. My mother has always been a big believer in telling the truth and second chances.

He had sworn he wasn’t going to do anything to me again, and he was supposed to basically leave me alone. But, I didn’t trust him and I just knew that he was still spying on me. Once again, no one really believed me, assuming I was being bitter. But I just knew it wasn’t done. It’s almost like he would say things that he couldn’t know unless he was invading my privacy. So, one day, I got onto a file downloading website (that I used for music.. I buy my music now, I swear it!) and I downloaded lesbian porn and just left it on my desktop to be found.  (Yep, I’m a genius)

It took two days before he hacked into my messenger service, unblocked himself and IMed me wanting to know if he was so horrible to turn me lesbian. I was at work when he messaged me, where I used to work with my mother and my friend’s mom (the one housing his brother). Within minutes of him unblocking himself, he started to taunt me once again. I threw an absolute fit and rounded up my mother and her friend, told them what I did to get proof, showed them where he all but confessed to accessing my computer again and I think that is when they really saw what it felt like to me. I had a mental break down that day where I was just over it. 

I don’t know how to accurately word this to truly get my feelings across. For the better part of a year, I had known he was violating my privacy, my emails, my computer, my stuff and for most of that year no one believed me. And even when he finally admitted it, he wasn’t punished. I couldn’t email my best friend in TN because he would read it. I couldn’t lock myself in my room and just type a story out because he would find it. I couldn’t talk to friends online because he would unblock himself and terrorize me. I’ve never been a pen and paper writer. I literally cannot write a story, but I can type it out and that is my outlet and I couldn’t do that because he was there. He was always there.

Even now, my words don’t do justice, how traumatizing it was. They don’t accurately describe how hopeless and helpless I felt. Nothing could accurately describe how it feels to have the first guy you trusted in that capacity wish to hurt you so badly. That is one of the few times in my life I could have so easily become a cutter because at the end of the day, I could understand how pain could be an outlet because I had no other outlet.  Even now, writing this brings back those memories and drives me to tears.